hard days will come
Have you ever had a hard day? A day that for whatever reason, was just hard? Maybe you woke up not feeling well or you just lost a job. Maybe your kids are not behaving and you and your husband are fighting. Maybe you know you have so much to do that is feels overwhelming. You may be having a hard day, and you just don’t know why. That can certainly happen. Or you have a day that reminds you of a lost love. Well, today was the day for me that was hard because I was reminded of Mark. I have had them before but today was a bit different. Why? I don’t really know except part of it may be that we are coming up on Mark being with Jesus almost 5 years this April. It is hard to believe that he has been with Jesus almost five years. There are days it seems like it just happened and days it seems like it has been so long. We have some family events coming this year and he will be missed by me so much for those. They are celebrations he would have loved if he were here. I will go and have an amazing time but will still miss him being with me and our family.
Why was today different? It started off when I was sitting in church. There was an older couple in front of me that had to be in their 80’s or 90’s. I am guessing they have been married a long time because of how they were with each other. He was a little more frail than her and needed help standing up. We have some great men at our church, and they may know him because each time he wanted to stand and worship or stand when we were reading the Bible, they came over and helped him. They were right there as he sat down to make sure he didn’t fall. His wife always had her hand on his back or was holding his hand. Watching them this morning reminded me of how Mark and I were. The 2 ½ years he was sick, it was hard to go to church. We did go a few times but not often. He just couldn’t handle to drive and sometimes the noise. Toward the end, he was more frail, and I had to help him a lot. It was ok though because of the great love I had for him. I sat there thinking I wish he was still here with me so I could hold his hand just one more time, help his stand up or sit down one more time. I found myself, just for a moment, jealous that I don’t get what that couple have. I don’t get all the years and I wanted them. I wanted the 60 plus years his parents had, the 60 years my parents have coming up this year, the 30 plus years our siblings now have, and we were married before any of them so now they have all passed us in years married. I only dwelt on it for a moment and then stopped. I don’t want to dwell on the negative or what I don’t have now because honestly it would do me no good. We had 33 1/3 years of holding hands and built an amazing life. We worshipped together and I am so thankful for what we did have. As hard as it was in a moment to watch the couple, it was also amazing to watch them together. What stories and history they must have. I hope they know how truly blessed they are and if not, I will think it for them.
So, not only did I watch the couple in church and think of Mark but after church Meg and I went to see a movie. That was another thing we did together. When we lived in Highland, California, Mark had Fridays off. He was on the Executive Staff, so he had those days off because Sunday was a workday. There were not a lot of Fridays that went by the last 9 years he worked there that we didn’t spend them together. Most of those days, we went grocery shopping, did a few things around the house but our favorite thing to do was lunch and a movie. We could do that before picking the girls up from school. So, watching the movie today and remembering those Fridays was another reminder of how much I miss my husband. And of course it was a Rom-Com. If you really know me, you know there is usually a part in every movie where I cry. OK maybe not the action movies but yes, I am one of those. My brothers always gave me a hard time about crying and now my girls do too. It’s ok though. They just look at me now and ask if I am crying yet. I think Meg did that several times today. I know she senses when mama is a little extra sad and missing her daddy.
What I decided after today is that it is ok to have those days. I have had several of them and it is ok. I know that for me if I allow myself some moments or days that are hard, I get through the other moments and days a bit easier. When I allow myself to cry or be sad or just grieve. I think it helps and since I don’t do it daily, when the moment comes it is ok. After almost 5 years, it has gotten a little easier, most of the time. I am not saying I am perfect and have this whole grieving thing down, but I am working on it. Talking about it helps.
The Lord knows our sorrow, our pain, our grief, our hurt and He is interceding for us.
Nahum 1:7a says The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble;
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4a Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction;
1 Thessalonians 4:13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.
That last verse for me is one of my favorites. I know that I will see Mark again and that is what I hold on to. But, as much as I want to see him again, the best part about seeing him again is that I will have seen my Heavenly Father first and that makes all the difference.
